Tech Support In 1888


Sender writes on 8 August:

“I dare say my most favorite pen now lies fallow like the chaff of the fields, for it no longer writes with the smooth fluid motion I’ve come to know over these three decades. Kindly yours, Elwood Blake.”

Reply on 14 August:

“Perhaps you can describe for me, in detailed terms, what happens when you dip your pen in the well. I await your reply with pleasure, and shall assist you forthwith. Warm regards, Dirk Betts.”

Sender writes back on 20 August:

“The tip of my favorite pen seeks the liquid embrace of a fine India Ink, yet finds rocky purchase where no ink can be located. As I stared longingly towards the bottom of the glass bottle, I saw through it with the same clarity as Granddad’s fine Austrian spectacles. I fear irreparable damage, and that my beloved pen – a gift from my dear Aunt Winsom Peck – shall write no more. Please regard my plea post haste. Kindly, Elwood.”

Reply on 26 August:

“Dearest Elwood: If my eyes aren’t befuddling your kind words, I suspect with no prejudice that your supply of fine India Ink has been depleted; for the tip of your fine pen is not exiting the bottle soaked in this luscious writing fluid.

A tragic incident indeed.

I believe you shall fancy a call on Doc McGill at his General Store on Harmore Road immediately, for his supply of India Ink is among the finest that can be procured throughout the world. I remain your humble servant in good standing.

Yours, Dirk Betts.”


Tech Support in 1,000,000 years BC

Me: This is Kralc
Caller: I can’t get my Rock to work
Me: In what way?
Caller: It’s not doing nothing.
Me: What’s it supposed to be doing?
Caller: Killing stuff. But it just sits there.
Me: Is it stuck in something? Like, does it move?
Caller: Yeah it’s loose.
Me: Are you able to pick it up? Or is it too heavy?
Caller: I can pick it up.
Me: …so you can pick it up. What happens when you throw it?
Caller: What do you mean, “Throw it?”
Me: In order to start killing stuff, the user will lift and grip the rock with their hand, raise it up next to their head and back a bit, then push their hand forward fast before letting go. The rock will connect with the thing in front of you and kill it. Is that what you’ve been doing?
Caller: I thought these things killed on their own. No one told me I had to ….throw it.
Me: Why would you think that?
Caller: Because Kleck tripped and fell the other day, and the rock killed him from the ground.
Me: Well there’s a difference here. Throwing the rock is killing. Kleck had an “accident.”
Caller: Well this thing doesn’t work. Can you send someone over to fix it?

If The Tech Desk Supported Food

What can I help you with today?

“I can’t put the butter on my bread.”

So you can’t apply butter to anything?

“No I can’t.”

What happens when you try?


… … Nothing at all?

“Nothing.  It happened after the butter knife went missing.”

… …

“I haven’t been able to find the knife for a week.  Nobody here can find it. And because we can’t find the knife we can’t use our butter.  I called my manager and he told me to call tech support.  Can you send someone out to find it?”

What about another knife? What happens when you use a different one?

“We can’t find ANY knives.  They’re all gone.  We can’t operate like this, without butter.  Can’t you just send someone out to find them right away?”

Well I could get a missing device tech out to find them for you.  But undetstand that “Right away” means added cost for an emergency tech dispatch.  That comes off your location’s budget.  Are you certain that all the drawers near your butter have been checked, to see if maybe the knives were relocated?

… … … “I found them! Chris put them in another drawer that was closer to the butter, and didn’t tell me.  You’re amazing! Thank you!”